It's already been almost a year since I've used this thing. Wish I would have stuck with it. maybe.

I am living for the future. I'll admit it. Sometimes I think that's a problem. I am happy to be in Cincinnati and doing things that I absolutely love, but I can't ever stop getting excited about planning what my future will be like. I can't believe that I am at the end of my junior year of college. I have ONE YEAR LEFT. One year of this life that everyone tells me I should never wish away. For some reason, I can't help it. I get excited thinking about how much freedom I'll have when I graduate: the freedom to choose what I do, and especially where I'll live. I love this city, but I have to promise myself I'll leave. I need to move for my own good.

When I was younger, I pictured this stage of my life to be so different than it actually is. I can't help but laugh. Maybe that alone should teach me a lesson to never have expectations/plans for what the next couple years will be like.

this can't be healthy...

I think I'm slowly becoming an insomniac.

today I gave a tour of UC.
did absolutely nothing at work.
visited with my uncle and talked about life.
had a great great experience at bible study.
talked with a close friend in a dark stairway about Jesus.
laughed my head off while snorting. not snorting from laughing, but laughing from snorting.
ate way too many cookies and cupcakes.
burned it all off laughing at the grossest bathroom stories you could imagine.

you'd think i'd be tired right now.


i think this is where i belong.


I'm not happy. I'm joyful.


I'm also not sleeping.

There's distance in the air
And I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me
And blow with all my might

I cannot sense you close
Though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near
Is what I long for

When I can't feel you
I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you
I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you
More than I wanna live another day
And as I wait for you
Maybe I'm made more
Faithful 

but just because You love me the way that you do...

one year ago today.

One year ago this morning, I woke up after a night of tears only to get on the computer and find out that Meredith Rankin, the most amazing woman of faith I had ever met, was welcomed home. This woman, who battled colon cancer for many months, was finally defeated...well, physically defeated. Or so I thought.

I couldn't help but sit in my dorm room and cry. Cry for her family. Her Mom, Dad, sister, and husband. I felt so awful that someone at such a young age, who lived her life only to glorify God, had been taken from her loved ones. Taken from a world where love poured out from her. She radiated. God lived in her.

I remember praying for understanding. I prayed that we all could make sense of something that seemed so unfair. Something that seemed so...not understandable. We were all sure that God would bring a miracle. Had God let us down? I prayed for her family's comfort. I prayed that the immeasurable strength they would need could come from God. I prayed that He would welcome her home with open arms and that her legacy would live on forever.

Even as I sit here now and read the online journal entry that her family posted on April 22, 2008, it amazes me to read these words:

To God be The Glory

At 7:45 this morning the Eastern Gates of Heaven swung open and Meredith Ann Holbert Rankin was escorted through by a band of angels. Her earthly exit was as courageous and elegant as we have come to expect. Her heavenly entrance was absolutely glorious.

The family went on to write Psalm 23. At the end of the post, these words were written:
For now, join us in praising God for his mercy and grace. She is finally Home!

The morning of April 22 rocked a lot of people. It was upsetting, yet reading these beautiful words...wow. To God be the Glory...praise him for she is finally home. What strength! I realized then, and even more as the year has gone on, that God didn't let us down. When asked about what mattered in life, Meredith said, "relationships, glorifying God, and living life every day like it's your last...that's what matters now, and I wish everyone else could see it that way." Meredith got her miracle. We all did. All that Meredith cared about was people, love, and God. And you know what? That's exactly what she left here. She inspired people to live the same way. She brought me to Christ, and I know I'm not the first. And that, in itself, IS a miracle! Now, it excites me to see that miracles are being produced each day by her colon cancer foundation. Miracles will never cease now that Meredith lived on this Earth. And to think, if God hadn't welcomed her home then, this world would have to wait that much longer for the amazing things that have come from her legacy.

Still, I woke up today thinking that Meredith was physically defeated by cancer a year ago. I haven't wanted to feel that way, but this awful disease took her precious life, and you can't help but feel bitter about that. Meredith's mom posted an entry today, and these beautiful words came from her sister:
Tuesday morning, when Meredith took her last breath, that was the moment of victory. The moment of victory; I love that. Because the moment she saw the face of our Lord and Savior, she had defeated death. There would be no more pain. She was in paradise, in her eternal home, seeing again all those we are so anxious to see again; laughing, exploring, enjoying; all those precious experiences that we get glimpses of here on earth happen every moment where Meredith is now.

She was never defeated.



How do you answer the "fairness" question? Is this (the fact that you have cancer) fair?

"Heck no! But it's not fair that my new friend with breast cancer lost her hair and I didn't. It's not fair that that my friend's dad was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks before her wedding, and he never got the chance to walk her down the isle. It's not fair that Melanie can't walk into Target without feeling like she's going to suffocate. It's not fair that my friend Julie died one month before graduation, and never even got the chance to fight for her life like I have. And it's not fair that any marriage falls apart because someone decides to have an affair. Of course I have pity parties sometimes when I feel like it's not fair, but in the end, I don't even deserve to be here at all. I am saved by God's grace, and THAT'S not fair." -Meredith


"...and I every day I am more and more amazed by Him for every day that He gives me. Every day is a gift, and I believe God had to watch me go through the deepest of valleys to remember this important lesson. All He wants is for us to love Him so so much" - meredith

What is a miracle?

"A miracle is a pleasantly unexpected event in life that gives hope to those who need it, reassurance to those who don't, and awe to those who never believed it was possible."






I am eternally thankful.

I'll be waiting for you...

Today I am learning. A lot.


Last night, I was feeling very discouraged, apathetic, and I had a horrible feeling in my stomach every time I thought about God and his plans for me; Plans for me for the rest of this quarter, plans for me in my relationships, and plans for me for my Namibia trip this summer.

As I sat in bed after reading a few chapters in Deuteronomy, I sat in silence. I sat, waiting for God to tell me something. Waiting for God to just...show up. But then I realized I can't always expect God to just be there if I am not living in his presence. And then I thought, what does it even look like for me to live in God's presence? Well, of course God works in funny ways, and of course I thought back to what I had read just before. We are told in Deuteronomy 10 and 11 that God is sovereign and everything in this world belongs to him. He shows no partiality. We are to serve him with everything we have and love him with all that we are. So, I immediately asked God to forgive me for the attitude I had toward His will and for the way I was living my spiritual life. I prayed that He would encourage me in my heart for Him and in the ways I am going to serve Him.

I thought about how I have been so worried and upset about the funding for my trip this summer. As I have sent most of my support letters out and as the money slowly fills in to my account, I haven't been able to NOT question my faith in God and in the fact that He is going to provide for me. I mean, seriously, how in the world am I, one person, going to raise this much money for my trip to do God's will in Africa this summer?

Then, as I still sat in bed wondering how in the world I am going to handle all of this, God showed up.

I can no longer dwell on criticizing myself for how I am living for God. I can no longer get wrapped up in being upset at how I sometimes may lack faith in how God is providing for me. I can't dwell on it because God let me know that it's okay. It's okay to have emotions about it all. With the way God made me, my faith doesn't grow unless I go through tough stuff. I'm able to feel these things as long as I know and pray that God is bigger than all of this. Really, all I need to be doing is seeking His face and everything else is going to happen. God then lead me to Malachi 3:10 in which it tells us "test me in this, says the Lord God Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it." I finally fell asleep last night with that on my mind; praying that God will prove this to me.

And of course, God (once again) works in funny ways, because I woke up this morning to emails and a text message from my team leader and team member that airfare had just decreased thousands of dollars. I couldn't help but cry. I couldn't help but understand that God had overcome once again. So, on my walk to work this morning, I prayed for guidance. I didn't know what to do. I mean, personal funds aren't necessarily allowing me to just purchase my airfare right at this moment, so I prayed for how I should go about this. I called my Dad to talk to him about it, and of course I was advised not to get the tickets because I can't really afford to. Even as I heard all of this, I sat alone in the office with tears in my eyes praying for God to overcome all of this.

God is answering prayers as I sit here at my desk this morning. He is sovereign. He is bigger than this money. I've looked up all of my flights and God is telling me to seek Him. God's already taking care of it. And it's an amazing feeling.

You part the seas
You move the mountains with the words that You say
my song remains, God You reign
You hold my life
You know my heart and You call me by name
I live to say God You reign

when the world has fallen out from under me, I'll be found in You, still standing.

I listened.


I can only hope it's gonna get easier.


"But I will sing of your strength,
in the morning I will sing of your love;
for you are my fortress,
my refuge in times of trouble.

O my Strength, I sing praise to you;
you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God."
-Psalm 59:16-17

i'm not giving up, love will come back around.

I've constantly felt like it's not okay to be distant from God. Like I'm doing something wrong if I'm not okay. I'm never, ever okay with not being okay. Ever.

The world around me isn't okay. It's broken. People are in pain. People are sick. I think that's half my problem: I constantly feel selfish when I am hurting about my own life when others are going through worse. I hate feeling selfish.

I don't know where life is going. I don't know where You're leading me. I don't even know if tomorrow is promised.

All I know is You're up to something.


Help me to listen.