I'll be waiting for you...

Today I am learning. A lot.


Last night, I was feeling very discouraged, apathetic, and I had a horrible feeling in my stomach every time I thought about God and his plans for me; Plans for me for the rest of this quarter, plans for me in my relationships, and plans for me for my Namibia trip this summer.

As I sat in bed after reading a few chapters in Deuteronomy, I sat in silence. I sat, waiting for God to tell me something. Waiting for God to just...show up. But then I realized I can't always expect God to just be there if I am not living in his presence. And then I thought, what does it even look like for me to live in God's presence? Well, of course God works in funny ways, and of course I thought back to what I had read just before. We are told in Deuteronomy 10 and 11 that God is sovereign and everything in this world belongs to him. He shows no partiality. We are to serve him with everything we have and love him with all that we are. So, I immediately asked God to forgive me for the attitude I had toward His will and for the way I was living my spiritual life. I prayed that He would encourage me in my heart for Him and in the ways I am going to serve Him.

I thought about how I have been so worried and upset about the funding for my trip this summer. As I have sent most of my support letters out and as the money slowly fills in to my account, I haven't been able to NOT question my faith in God and in the fact that He is going to provide for me. I mean, seriously, how in the world am I, one person, going to raise this much money for my trip to do God's will in Africa this summer?

Then, as I still sat in bed wondering how in the world I am going to handle all of this, God showed up.

I can no longer dwell on criticizing myself for how I am living for God. I can no longer get wrapped up in being upset at how I sometimes may lack faith in how God is providing for me. I can't dwell on it because God let me know that it's okay. It's okay to have emotions about it all. With the way God made me, my faith doesn't grow unless I go through tough stuff. I'm able to feel these things as long as I know and pray that God is bigger than all of this. Really, all I need to be doing is seeking His face and everything else is going to happen. God then lead me to Malachi 3:10 in which it tells us "test me in this, says the Lord God Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it." I finally fell asleep last night with that on my mind; praying that God will prove this to me.

And of course, God (once again) works in funny ways, because I woke up this morning to emails and a text message from my team leader and team member that airfare had just decreased thousands of dollars. I couldn't help but cry. I couldn't help but understand that God had overcome once again. So, on my walk to work this morning, I prayed for guidance. I didn't know what to do. I mean, personal funds aren't necessarily allowing me to just purchase my airfare right at this moment, so I prayed for how I should go about this. I called my Dad to talk to him about it, and of course I was advised not to get the tickets because I can't really afford to. Even as I heard all of this, I sat alone in the office with tears in my eyes praying for God to overcome all of this.

God is answering prayers as I sit here at my desk this morning. He is sovereign. He is bigger than this money. I've looked up all of my flights and God is telling me to seek Him. God's already taking care of it. And it's an amazing feeling.

You part the seas
You move the mountains with the words that You say
my song remains, God You reign
You hold my life
You know my heart and You call me by name
I live to say God You reign